5 Things That Make Hard Conversations Less Hard
{ divinely tragic }
I've had a lot of these lately and the braver I get, the more I'm going to have, and today I was contemplating what worked in these conversations and what I wish had been different. I came up with a list of 5 Things That Make Hard Conversations Less Hard and I thought some of you might find it helpful - email me if you think of something to add.
- Take a deep breath.
Center yourself. Organize your thoughts. No matter how anxious you are to get this off your chest, try to sleep on it if you can. It's hard to have a compassionate, emotionally mature conversation when you're pissed off. And believe me - that's a better kind to have. - Make it about the problem.
Instead of making the conversation about how much the other person sucks, make it about the problem you both are having. Because 9 times out of 10, you are both having a problem. And 10 times out of 10 there's a side to this story you haven't heard.
Instead of complaining about the problem they are causing for you, ask how you can brainstorm a solution to the problem you're having together. Even if they really do suck and the problem really is all their fault, by making the conversation about your team effort to solve it, you give them the chance to be awesome instead of backed into a corner of shame. - Talk about your feelings, not theirs.
Tell them how you feel - your actual emotions, not how much you feel they suck. Instead of saying, "When you exclude me, it seems like you think you're better than me," try, "When you exclude me, I feel hurt." No one likes being told what they think or how they feel - in fact, I can't think of anything that pisses me off more. It's an argument you'll never win because between you and me, only one of us is an expert on what I think and feel and it's never going to be you. Instead, make an argument you can win - tell them how you feel. - Share some context.
I always find it helpful to hear where someone's coming from. If when I do x, it reminds you of when your sister did y, tell me that. You don't have to go on and on, but sharing a little context on why you're feeling hurt or why this problem is such a problem gives me a chance to be compassionate instead of defensive. - Don't do it over email.
Don't do it over voicemail. Don't do it via post-it note or carrier pigeon or lipstick on the mirror. It always sounds easier but the problem is this - once you hit send? You will be thinking about it every. second. until you get a reply. Every time you see a new message, every time your phone rings, every time you get a text - your stomach will drop to your feet.
And worst of all? The reply you get is probably going to suck. Because your message probably sucked. Because it's way too easy to be an asshole when you're not looking someone in the eye. Look them in the eye.
