The Ugliest Ugly Sweater
A few weeks ago, I found the world’s ugliest ugly Christmas sweater. It was hanging in the window of a thrift store while I was on my way to a party. I went inside, took it down, and bought it. Then I left it on the floor of the party. Tag still attached, unworn.
I needed the sweater for a contest we're having at work, so Thursday night, my friend Kathleen met me for a show, ugly sweater in hand, salvaged from the house of our mutual friend. Tag still attached, unworn. I left it on the seat beside me.
Friday afternoon, I called the theater, on the off chance that someone had turned it in. How anyone could part with such a gem, I couldn't imagine, but it was worth a try to see.
"I left a sweater there last night," I said, embarrassed. "Someone may have turned it in. It's... kind of ugly."
“What does it look like?" the woman asked, rifling through a box in the lost and found.
"It's actually very ugly."
"What does it look like?"
"It's black and it has elves sewn all over it."
She paused.
"I don't think these are elves."
"It's elves and a Christmas tree."
"These look more like trolls."
"It's black and it has trolls and a Christmas tree."
"Are you sure you want this back?”
I met her at the loading dock at a quarter past four, just as she'd instructed. She held the sweater between two fingers, like it might have a disease. I laughed and thanked her. She didn't laugh back. She said, "Good luck."
I'm still not sure what she meant.
Anyway, I have the sweater now, so everything's okay.
UPDATE: It's been brought to my attention that this sweater is SO UGLY that someone is selling it for $45 on Etsy.
I needed the sweater for a contest we're having at work, so Thursday night, my friend Kathleen met me for a show, ugly sweater in hand, salvaged from the house of our mutual friend. Tag still attached, unworn. I left it on the seat beside me.
Friday afternoon, I called the theater, on the off chance that someone had turned it in. How anyone could part with such a gem, I couldn't imagine, but it was worth a try to see.
"I left a sweater there last night," I said, embarrassed. "Someone may have turned it in. It's... kind of ugly."
“What does it look like?" the woman asked, rifling through a box in the lost and found.
"It's actually very ugly."
"What does it look like?"
"It's black and it has elves sewn all over it."
She paused.
"I don't think these are elves."
"It's elves and a Christmas tree."
"These look more like trolls."
"It's black and it has trolls and a Christmas tree."
"Are you sure you want this back?”
I met her at the loading dock at a quarter past four, just as she'd instructed. She held the sweater between two fingers, like it might have a disease. I laughed and thanked her. She didn't laugh back. She said, "Good luck."
I'm still not sure what she meant.
Anyway, I have the sweater now, so everything's okay.
UPDATE: It's been brought to my attention that this sweater is SO UGLY that someone is selling it for $45 on Etsy.
